A Modest Proposal

ATTN: Californians

Do you enjoy shouldering a disproportionate amount of the federal tax burden? Handicapping our biotech industry because someone somewhere in Arkansas thinks stem cells are people? Watching in disgust as the American economy tanks while we remain one of the top ten economies internationally?

If not, then get involved with the Californian independence movement and join the fight for secession!

Now I know what you're thinking — if we secede we'll have to pay really high tariffs on all those wonderful manufactured goods from Michigan and Pennsylvania and whatnot. Oh really? What manufactured goods? All those jobs have long since been outsourced to Mexico thanks to NAFTA! As a nation located in North America, the People's Republic of California (working title) would continue to profit hand over fist off of the indentured servitude of Mexican children. Thanks to the Clintons (who rammed NAFTA through congress in 1993), California can retain its top-tier economic status without its citizens having to feel honor-bound to pay twice as much for domestically manufactured goods.

What's more, we've been producing the lion's share of the nation's food for the past 50 years, averaging $32 billion in profits annually. You want cheese from our happy cows, Las Vegans? Better double down.

Of course I anticipate that there may be problems, namely illegal immigration. We just need to lay it down up front. Texans need not apply, and should probably go get a job, the lazy bastards.

Come on, fellow golden staters, and join with me now. Free the Bear! Free the Bear! Free the Bear!