mobile ME

It's likely that Steve Jobs is, perhaps, somewhat responsible for the success of Apple. Probably maybe. But. Today I realized that he truly is standing on the shoulders of giants — giant spoiled brats. Like me.

See, Cult of Mac members don't just own computers. We feel ownership regarding our computers, in that cheesy social worker sense of the word. Mac enthusiasts believe that their computers have some sort of moral obligation to meet their every need, current or future, plausible or implausible. And if the computer should fail in that noble task, the Mac enthusiast is truly offended. It's like if your best friend doesn't call you back for a day and a half. Hello, rude.

As evidence I offer reactions to the launch of the iTunes app store, allowing users to download third party applications for their iPhones (translation: software developed by someone who doesn't work for Apple). More than excitement or gratitude, the overwhelming tenor of comments I have read are almost peeved, evincing a genuine and self-righteous sense of annoyance that Apple hadn't developed any such thing sooner. Jerks.

Confessedly, I share this mentality myself. The apps developed thus far for two-way syncing of Google Calendar on an iPhone and a traditional computer are, in a word, utterlyanddeeplydissatisfying. Resultingly, cutting into my total glee towards my new iPhone is a penumbra of, "I can't believe someone hasn't already thought of and created this. Eye roll."

Shoulders of giant spoiled brats.

I assert, however, that this is actually a good thing. Macophiles' sense of entitlement increases the productivity not only of the source corporation (Apple) but of the consumers themselves, many of whom contribute to solving the problems they identify long before Apple gets around to it. If my parents' generation is the Me Generation, then perhaps mine is the Mobile Me Generation. (Not that I'm going to purchase Mobile Me — that was just a too convenient rhetorical device. Google totally already does all of that for free. Pfft.)

None of this is to say that Mac users are more obnoxious than PC users. Because they're totally obnoxious, too. But that's a different post.

Humanity I Love You

A group of "electro-sensitive" people are taking action against Santa Fe to have WiFi banned in public buildings on the grounds that they are "allergic" to wireless signals. Their argument is that the WiFi banning should be included under Americans with Disabilities Act regulations. One of the plaintiffs asserts that cell and WiFi signals give him chest pains. (I'd see a doctor about that, but I guess the City Attorney works too.)

I'm actually very excited about this bold new legal initiative; I believe this lawsuit will pave the way for the action I plan to bring against the City of San Diego arguing that stupid people should be banned from public buildings on that grounds that I am allergic to them.

Lieberman Meets the Intertubes

The inevitable day has finally come — someone told Joe Lieberman (world-renowned DINO) about the Internet, and more specifically, YouTube. Lieberman, apparently, skipped right past the porn and pandas and moved directly into searching for some combination of "people" and "who" and "hate" and "Jews." But I mean, who hasn't done that search, right?**

Lieberman sent a letter to YouTube demanding the removal of a plethora of content he deemed offensive (clearly a better use of my tax dollars than, say, figuring out a way to get out of Iraq). YouTube's response , excerpted below, is pretty awesome:

Senator Lieberman's staff identified numerous videos that they believed violated YouTube's Community Guidelines. In response to his concerns, we examined and ended up removing a number of videos from the site, primarily because they depicted gratuitous violence, advocated violence, or used hate speech. Most of the videos, which did not contain violent or hate speech content, were not removed because they do not violate our Community Guidelines.

Senator Lieberman stated his belief, in a letter sent today, that all videos mentioning or featuring these groups should be removed from YouTube -- even legal nonviolent or non-hate speech videos. While we respect and understand his views, YouTube encourages free speech and defends everyone's right to express unpopular points of view. We believe that YouTube is a richer and more relevant platform for users precisely because it hosts a diverse range of views, and rather than stifle debate we allow our users to view all acceptable content and make up their own minds. Of course, users are always free to express their disagreement with a particular video on the site, by leaving comments or their own response video. That debate is healthy.

Intertubes 1, Lieberman -8 bajillion. (In all fairness, the guy was already in a pretty deep hole.)

**Disclaimer: I haven't.

Shiny

Today I joined the legions of those whose televisions require not two but four letters to appropriately form their acronyms: HDTV. While the picture is sharper and the channels are more numerous, what I find myself most pleased with is the fact that I was able to hook the thing up to the new DVR cable box, the DVD player and the surround sound system myself.

I think it is also worthy of note that thanks to this new contraption, I have developed a sudden and I suspect intractable fear of sea turtles.

I've Changed My Mind about the Bosons

So regarding that whole god particle machine I was writing about — I would like to hereby issue a retraction regarding its coolness factor. Because apparently while the vaunted atom smasher might indeed open tiny little windows into brave new worlds thereby revolutionizing science and faith as we know it, it may instead give birth to a star-system-gobbling black hole. No joke. According to an article in the New York Times, critics (read: other people with PhD's in astrophysics) assert that the machine may well create a black whole that will instantly suck the Earth, all of its inhabitants, and possibly even Arthur Dent into it.

Um, hello, bad? Not only because I'd rather my skull not be condensed into the size of a nanobot, but also because if that doesn't happen, do you have any idea how many terrible faux-fi movies this will spawn? Seriously, deearthification might actually be preferable.

Let There Be Bosons!

Scientists believe they are on the brink of discovering the intriguingly monikered "god particle" through a process of smashing atoms to bits with Mike Tyson's fists a very large machine. While the prospect of finally bringing to light what makes light, well, light, is indeed fascinating, I can't help but wonder if the millions of dollars allocated to the project might not have been better spent creating a machine that would bring to light socks that disappear in the dryer.

I'm just saying.

We're All Going to Die

A world renowned cancer researcher is in the process of publishing an extensive, independent, peer-reviewed study concluding that cell phones pose a greater public heath threat than cigarettes and asbestos. I guess it takes about a decade of consistent cell phone usage for brain tumors to begin to manifest. And I guess it's been about a decade now.

Yeah, so, we're all totally dead.

Shiny New Toy

What do you get for the political junkie who has everything? His or her very own delegate counter!

This awesome little device allows you to create an infinite number of presidential primary result scenarios in the remaining states, and shows exactly how many delegates would be allocated to each candidate under each circumstance. Want to know how many delegates Obama picks up if he wins Mississippi 55-45? He nets three. But what if he wins 70-30? Well then he nets 13.

Mix and match, presto chango, and you can play the same game Clinton's playing — the "there's no damn way to win unless we hold a caucus in Tijuana but shhhh don't tell anyone" game.

Seriously, though, it's an addictive little widget.

While you're at it, check out Newsweek reporter Jonathan Alter's column analyzing what the delegate counter shows. It's pretty compelling stuff. Not to give away the ending, but Clinton would have to win all twelve remaining states with a 62-38 margin to beat Obama in pledged delegates. Here's my official prediction: the day Clinton wins Mississippi 62-38 is the day Bush stops tap dancing on public television and signs the Kyoto protocol.

The [Insert Your Name Here] Show

I just rewatched The Truman Show and was struck by how the world satirically predicted in that film 10 years ago has increasingly come to manifest. I'm not just talking about the growing domination of popular culture by "reality" TV shows such as American Idol, Project Runway and even the pure embarrassment that is Celebrity Rehab. Rather, I'm talking about the reality TV show starring you — the one in which you're caught on camera roughly 500 time a day. That's not a random number. It's the number of times the average American citizen is videotaped by cameras in ATM's, gas stations, stoplights and other subtle public surveillance stations, according to a recent study (I'd link, but Drudge took it down, the bastard).

An article on Military.com (and wouldn't you love to own that domain name) explores the extent to which high-tech surveillance is penetrating our daily interactions without our knowledge (let alone our acquiesence). It's well worth a read. For those of you who doubt the slipperiness of the slope, here's an interesting excerpt:

"This may sound like a privacy wonk's paranoia. But examples abound. Take E-ZPass. Drivers signed up for the system to speed up toll collection. But 11 states now supply E-ZPass records -- when and where a toll was paid, and by whom -- in response to court orders in criminal cases. Seven of those states provide information in civil cases such as divorce, proving, for instance, that a husband who claimed he was at a meeting in Pennsylvania was actually heading to his lover's house in New Jersey. (New York divorce lawyer Jacalyn Barnett has called E-ZPass the "easy way to show you took the offramp to adultery.")"

Of course, an active and informed citizenry could rise up and speak out against these incursions into our privacy. But considering the fact that off-handed remark I made calling something "Orwellian" at the gym the other day was met with "Oh, yeah, I remember that book" by the guy scanning cards behind the counter, I'm not holding my breath.

As Ben Franklin (or possibly Richard Jackson) wrote two centuries ago, "Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety."

Star Wars

This just in: Spy satellite loaded with toxic fuel rushes towards Earth; likely to land in North America! U.S. President orders military to shoot plummeting satellite down from the sky before impact; warns other nations in attempt to avert accidental war!

This would make for a great Bruce Willis film. Just one problem — it's actually happening.

The Panopticon

Social theorist Michel Foucault was fascinated by the idea of the panopticon, an architectural structure for a prison wherein the cells are pin-wheeled around a central watchtower thereby creating the perfect surveillance machine. The watchtower itself is covered by one-way glass, and any given cell at any given time may be under inspection by a prison guard; conversely, at any given time, most cells are under no surveillance at all. The panopticon represents the ultimate utilitarian design. Prisoners internalize the possibility of external regulation and so begin to regulate themselves; the possible prison guard without becomes the eternal prison guard within.

The crux of Foucault's description is this:

Hence the major effect of the Panopticon: to induce in the inmate a state of conscious and permanent visibility that assures the automatic functioning of power. So to arrange things that the surveillance is permanent in its effects, even if it is discontinuous in its action; that the perfection of power should tend to render its actual exercise unnecessary; that this architectural apparatus should be a machine for creating and sustaining a power relation independent of the person who exercises it; in short, that the inmates should be caught up in a power situation of which they are themselves the bearers.

This, of course, predated the invention of even more efficient tools of power such as video surveillance and high-powered online search engines, but the implications are even more relevant in the wake of so pervasive a technology. For isn't that the ultimate outcome of new technologies that allow infinite, public access to all information — that we become caught up in a power situation of which we are ourselves the bearers? This is truly a boon for our elected hall monitors. We don't need to be regulated if we regulate ourselves, which is precisely what we begin to do if we may at any moment be the subject of intense external scrutiny. Admit it. You've googled yourself.

To better regulate myself, I have installed Google gadgets on my desktop, allowing me to surveil myself more thoroughly than ever before. Plus, it has a neat Magic 8-Ball feature.

I am such a tool. (Of power.)

Motherless Invention

I love gadgets. I do. Give me a remote control that doubles as a flashlight, checks my email and does the Time Warp and I'm a happy camper.

But air conditioned shoes?