And Nary a Bill-O in Sight

I have a theory : Khazad-Dum (of Gandalfian fame) was not a geological chasm at all, but was actually Rupert Murdoch’s pants pocket. Only a cavern deep enough to swallow Tolkein’s fiercest wizard is deep and dark enough to contain all of Murdoch’s money. I know this because when I wanted to watch Iowa primary coverage at 11:00 last night, the only station still carrying live coverage was my dear friend Fox News. So I watched.

It was… edifying. I learned that watching Republican TV apparently means that I’m likely to be in the market for joint and cartilege formula as well as a home security system (now that was a funny ad — beware youths in hoodies who burst through your front door at three o’clock in the afternoon when you’re home alone washing dishes while your husband is at work… or with his mistress).

In addition to some amusing implications about the Fox audience based on the station’s marketing assumptions, I picked up a few other interesting items.

First, Fox News refuses to invite libertarian Republican Party contender Ron Paul to participate in their televised Republican primary debates because in their words “he’s not going to be president” — this despite acknowledging that he more than doubled the number of votes received by invitee Rudy Giuliani in the Iowa primary with ten percent of the vote. Who needs actual human voters when we have 24-hour news stations to select our viable candidates for us!

Second, Rush Limbaugh hates Mike Huckabee almost as much as he likes making fun of his own drug-induced hearing loss. Hey, I confess, I’d like the guy if he weren’t kind of a fascist.

Third, the only women Fox allows to grace the screen are those with bleach blonde hair and primary color sweaters.

Fourth, there’s at least one Fox commentator capable of uttering the phrases “rich patrician Republican” and “I think Rush is wrong” — in the same sentence, even!

Fifth, Mike Huckabee brought Chuck Norris up on stage with him, while Mitt Romney brought along Olympic skater Dan Jansen. I think I now understand the election results.

Having now officially walked a mile in someone else’s Manolos, I’m going to go shower. At length.