Give Me That Old Time Social Stratification

This just in: 80,000 jobs slashed in March! Unemployment rate surpasses five percent! Even Ben "Just Go Buy More DVD's or Something" Bernake admits recession is all but inevitable!

But for those of you who had the good fortune to be on the friendly end of the government's recent bailout of your imploding multinational corporation and find yourself with a few extra million to throw around, may I suggest a diamond-studded thong? With its 518 brilliant-cut diamonds and 27 white gold tassels, really, it's quite tasteful.

Speaking of government bailouts, Bill Maher made a good point — why is it that when we socialize corporate profits it's the Attack of the Red Menace, but when we socialize corporate losses it's good business? And why aren't we socializing Homeowner Joe's losses?

I think it's time for the man behind the curtain to start singing for his supper.