Fooled Me Twice

Tonight ABC aired what it has long billed as a "Two-Hour Lost Premiere Event." Ass that I am, I thought this meant a two-hour Lost premiere event. Like, two hours. Of show. You know, an event, full of Lost-iness. Two hours of it.

In point of fact, what they meant was a one-hour premiere, preceded by an hour-long "previously on Lost." But with fancy narration, and presumably premium-dollar ad breaks.

Of course, considering this is practically the only scripted show on the air right now, they could probably air five minutes of scripted content buffered by half an hour of Hurley doing jumping jacks on either side and people would still tune in.

That Whole Liberals Eating Each Other Thing

According the New York branch of the National Organization of Women (NOW), Senator Ted Kennedy's endorsement of Barack Obama rather than Hillary Clinton was "the ultimate betrayal" and "hit women hard." Furthermore, "He's joined the list of progressive white men who can't or won't handle the prospect of a woman president who is Hillary Clinton."

So if Kennedy is sexist for endorsing Obama, one assumes that the (supposedly) progressive NOW would be screaming "Racist!" with equal fervor had he endorsed Clinton? No?

This kind of inanity is why I cancelled my subscription to Ms. magazine several years back. To NOW, I offer a world of "get off my side."

Perspective

Sometimes I feel bad about myself and my life. Then I watch Intervention.

(Or more appropriately, my husband watches Intervention while I'm in the room.)

That usually solves the problem.

Here's my new daily affirmation: At least I'm not a former Olympic athlete sitting in the back of a 1980-something Volvo shooting meth into my arm while my parents tell me if I'd just give up being gay and find God that my life would be peaches and parakeets.

Pundits in Waiting

Advising a high school newspaper has its downsides: Ridiculously late nights battling antiquated computers, reading and re-reading embarrassingly pubescent articles about the ideal Valentine's date, and the bleak and certain knowledge that comma usage is in no way, shape or form taught in the Californian school system anymore.

But there are bright spots, too. My newspaper staff decided, with no input from me, to use this month's staff editorial to endorse a presidential candidate. A group of them worked together to craft a compelling narrative of their A.P. Government course's propulsion of an apathetic senior class into political consciousness. They described seniors proudly registering to vote, reading campaign literature, and advocating for their positions. They described the devastation of a student whose birthday falls on February seventh, and how she decided to participate regardless by volunteering as a poll worker. And they wrote about the candidate who had sparked their collective imagination. I'll let you guess who that was.

I've never heard a debate in my newbie newsroom as vigorous as the one that took place over this editorial. It made me proud.

I have to say, though, that I don't know how proud I would have been had they endorsed Mike Huckabee...

There Will Be Humorous Death Scenes

I strongly, strongly recommend the film There Will Be Blood. Based on Upton Sinclair's Oil, this dark comedy features the funniest bowling alley death scene I have ever seen. And I say this as a fan of The Big Lebowski.

Beyond that, in truly Sinclarian style, There Will Be Blood offers a fascinating critical insight into the collision of religion, early American capitalism and the veins of the Earth.

Three stars up, or whatever.

The Face of Things to Come?

After following the coverage of today's South Carolina Democratic primary, what stands out to me is less the fact that Barack Obama won by nearly a 30-point spread (crazily impressive thought that is) than the monstrous size of the voter turnout.

Apparently turnout in today's primary increased by a whopping 75% from the 2004 South Carolina Democratic primary. Steve Jobs would kill for that growth rate. This traditionally fire-engine red state turned out well over half a million Democratic primary voters as opposed to 290,000 four years ago.

Given the fact that South Carolinians have historically been about as likely to vote Democrat in presidential elections as to name their state food granola, today's turnout is even more stunning in comparison to last week's South Carolina Republican primary, with voters numbering 400,000 and change. Perhaps most worthy of note, Obama apparently garnered more votes today than John McCain and Ron Paul (first and second place respectively) picked up in the state last week combined.

Dum spiro spero indeed.

I'll Throw the Golden Gate in Free

Today in the shower as I stood patiently waiting for the recommended three minutes of hair conditioning time to elapse, I decided to entertain myself by reading the back of my Cherry Blossom Creamy Body Wash bottle. I learned that as part of the product's "daily beauty ritual" patrons can expect to enjoy "naturally pampering ingredients" such as moisturizing oat protein (as opposed, one presumes, to the more commonly known salinating oat protein), skin-smoothing silk protein and "conditioning milk amino acids."

Conditioning acids? Conditioning acids?

Surprisingly, the methylchloroisothiazolinone was omitted from the "naturally pampering ingredients" list and relegated to the smaller-fonted and ignominiously monikered "ingredients" list further down the bottle. I think the Bath and Body Works P.R. folks missed a real opportunity there.

New in Newspeak

I have a new favorite businessism (see, I can do it too) in the realm of education — "clientele." No, I'm not talking about people who buy cupcakes at the marching band's bake sale, or even the local businesses who purchase ad space in the yearbook. Our so-called clientele are, apparently, our students! And all this time I should have been charging at the door!

Headlining in the 400 Building: World War Two! Opening Act: Nationalism!

No.

Even more offensive is the context in which "clientele" is routinely used. Our principal regularly tells us that if we want to serve a "better clientele" we need to offer a "better product." Allow me translate from Cretin into English... if we want to serve more "upper middle class white kids" we need to "raise standardized test scores."

I'm not sure which I find more offensive — the increasingly moronic incursion of corporate jargon into my cream-colored tower, or the barely masked racism and classism masked by said jargon.

Okay, that's not true; I know which is more offensive. Funny how that doesn't make it any better. So much for "Knowing is Half the Battle." Maybe we should switch to "1,245,987 Served."

Overinvested

Tonight, for a brief moment, my husband and I thought our DVR had died, and with it every show, every movie, every random snippet of multimedia miscellanea we've committed to digital memory in the past year. It was as though a friend had died. Torn between panic and despair, actual teeth may have been gnashed.

Seven minutes, two reboots and one Google search later, our digital phoenix rose from its own binary ashes.

And there was much rejoicing.

Yay.

I think I need to hug more trees or something.

Good News for People Who Love Bad News

You know what's cuter than an angry politician? A legless puppy!

No, actually, the puppy is really cute. I just watched a slideshow of three homeless, legless Chihuahua puppies who were adopted by a vet tech and provided with, in effect, "training wheels" so they can move around like normal dogs. They look so happy! Well, in that perpetually cranky Chihuahua kind of way.

See for yourselves!