Operation Fact Check: Obama and The War

As someone who has always thought that Bill Clinton was a generally terrible person, it brings me great pleasure to call him out on being a liar. According to Bill Clinton, the idea that Barack Obama has always been opposed to the Iraq War is "a fairy tale."

Bearing in mind that while Hillary Clinton was voting to approve the war Obama was serving in the Illinois legislature and hence did not vote on the matter, here is a plethora of video footing dating back to 2002 clearly demonstrating Obama's consistent opposition to said war:



Also, here's a direct link.

(On an unrelated matter, Southwest fake-chicken nuggets with honey are ridiculously tasty.)

The Monster Mash

J.J. Abrams, the guy who made Lost, has made a movie. That movie is Cloverfield. And it is awesome.

I won’t say too much about the plot as this is an experience that really shouldn’t be spoiled, but I will say that it’s a monster movie very much in the spirit of Godzilla and King Kong... with some delightfully Abrams-esque twists, of course. And, as tends to happen in monster movies, things blow up, buildings get knocked over, and general chaos ensues. I mean, what, you thought he’d show up in Manhattan and drink tea?

Apparently so. There is a backlash movement against the film, the proponents of which opine that in a “post 9/11 world” (and if I never hear that phrase again it will be too soon) movies featuring New York buildings getting destroyed are deeply inappropriate — “unless it's talking about al Qaeda or one of al Qaeda's evil cousins, then it really should not be showing us images of the Statue of Liberty decapitated.” That’s a direct quote, by the way. I look forward to many a thoughtful sci-fi film about al Qaeda’s evil cousins.

In the meantime, guess I’d better go start burning every copy of Planet of the Apes I can get my hands on or the terrorists will win.

Down with post-apocalyptica! Up with kool-aid!

One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, Blue Fish

When I was a little girl our crazy neighbor lady asked my mom if we wanted her two goldfish because she was going on vacation and wouldn't be able to take care of them. My mom agreed, and my brother and I gained two more members for our bizarre menagerie (other residents included a gecko, two dogs and a bird).

The crazy neighbor lady's reaction was that she was so awfully glad that we were taking them, because otherwise she would have thrown them on the grass and hit them with a frying pan until they were dead.

People are very strange.

Would You Like Blood on Your Hands with That?

According to this Human Rights Watch article, "The Chinese government should abolish the use of income-generating child labor schemes in middle and junior high schools because of their chronic abuses." Should. As in, currently does not. Apparently, while the government approves of such, ah, occupation learning practices as improving school facilities or "producing small handicrafts over summer breaks" (read: Crappy Meal toys) as a part of the state-approved Work and Study Program, recent reports have surfaced that students are being placed in heavy manufacturing positions as part of state school curriculum.

I know what argument I'm going to marshal the next time a student tells me I give too much homework.

Or... the next time Schwarzenegger announces impending statewide education budget cuts...

Gimme a Break

On Earth-As-It-Should-Be, running a Google image search for "puppies" should be an instant and easy pick-me-up after a long and arduous day. A few snuggly labradors, a pug in a flower basket and life is good, right?

On Earth-As-It-Is, the eighth picture that pops up upon running said search is a puppy born with edema, which is about as appealing as it sounds.

Come on, universe.

(Granted, the presence of a baby Weimaraner in a wizard's hat on the next page helped. A little.)

A Little Bit Cheesy

I decided to make a daring switch from Mama Celeste's frozen cheese pizza to Mama Celeste's frozen four-cheese pizza, believing that the result would be a per-inch increase in the quantity of cheese. This belief seemed to be supported by the more cheese-laden picture on the front of the four-cheese box (seriously, it's the same picture with more cheese photoshopped on). Confident in my purchase, I hurried home to partake of what would surely be a veritable feast of cheesy goodness.

Imagine my disappointment to discover that "four-cheese pizza" actually indicates that the pizza contains four pieces of cheese.

Damn.

This Just In?

Today, in between learning that Senator John McCain (of "only an a—hole would put together a budget like this" fame**) is calling for a higher level of dialogue among the Republican candidates and that Senator Barack Obama has proposed a $75 billion economic relief package including immediate middle class tax cuts and a one-time increase in Social Security payments, I learned something else — Britney Spears has lost visitation rights with her children.

Who cares??? Why oh why must I subjected to the intimate judicial goings on of some has-been pop trollop when I'm trying to WATCH THE NEWS?!?!?

Excuse me while I try not to hyperventilate.

See. Here's the thing. I walk around all day long with all manner of utterly useless junk in my head. The Lost numbers are 4-8-15-16-23-42. President Lincoln changed his facial hair stylings because some little girl wrote him a letter saying that he ought to. My mother's baby-sitter grew up to marry Alex Trebec. See, useless! So the last thing I need when I'm trying to wade through the spinning smoking scraps of scurrilousness that comprise politics in contemporary America is getting poked in the eye by Britney "Lousy Weave" Spears.

**And Now Your Moment of Zen:

Pete Domenici, the senator who John McCain called an a—hole, endorsed McCain's presidential candidacy on Monday.

Fact Check 101

I’m sure those of you watching election coverage have been inundated over the past several days with the “change versus experience” narrative. You know, the story of the well-intentioned upstart sapling who wants change, Barack Obama, and the seasoned political veteran with (in her own words) thirty-five years of experience, Hillary Clinton. In this scenario, the voter finds him or herself forced to choose between someone with good ideas and rousing rhetoric but the inability to get anything accomplished, and the less inspiring but eminently capable opponent with a proven track record. What’s a poor voter to do?

Well, the poor voter’s first step is probably to turn off the damn TV and do a little de-spinning. I’d like to combat this absurd “change versus experience” lie with something I call facts. Chris Matthews, pay attention.

Fact: Hillary Clinton first held public office when she was elected as New York’s U.S. Senator in 2000. She currently has seven years of elected political experience, during which time she was directly responsible to a constituency.

Fact: Seven and thirty-five are two very different numbers.

Fact: Barack Obama first held public office when he was elected to the Illinois State Senate in 1997. He was elected to the U.S. Senate in 2004. He has eleven years of elected political experience, during which time he was directly responsible to a constituency.

Fact: Prior to holding political office, Hillary Clinton worked for the corporate law firm Rose Law. Clients included WalMart and TCBY. She also served on the board of directors for several corporations – Lafarge and, interestingly, WalMart and TCBY.

Fact: While Hillary Clinton served on the WalMart board (1986 to 1992) the corporation earned a reputation as one of the most dedicated and effective union-busters in the nation.

Fact: Prior to holding political office, Barack Obama worked as a community organizer and civil rights attorney and also taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for eleven years.

Fact: Prior to becoming president, Bill Clinton held the office of Arkansas Attorney General for two years (he ran unopposed) and Arkansas Governor for twelve years (it would have been longer, but he was voted out for a while and then came back). He had fourteen years of elected political experience, but zero years of elected political experience outside of the state of Arkansas before he became president.

Fact: When Bill Clinton was sworn in as President, he was 46 years old.

Fact: Barack Obama is currently 46 years old. If he wins the presidential election, he will be 47 years old when he is sworn in.

What can be made of all of this? Let’s see if I can play Hardball, Chris Matthews. Barack Obama has more elected political experience and than Hillary Clinton does. Where Hillary Clinton has spent her life as a shill for corporate greed, Barack Obama has spent his teaching and applying American democratic principles. Furthermore, he is probably better prepared for the presidency than Bill Clinton was when he took office.

This is why it’s called the idiot box.

The Buying of the President

One of the most important questions to ask about a politician is who will own him or her after the election is over. For example, a candidate put into office on the backs of oil companies is unlikely to preside over a pacifist presidency marked by scientific automotive developments that decrease U.S. dependency for foreign oil. You know, hypothetically or whatever.

One of the best ways to figure who is owned by whom is to visit The Buying of the President, a campaign finance website operated by watchdog group The Center for Public Integrity. Their candidates page scores each candidate based upon his or her level of personal and public finance disclosure. The information therein is pretty revealing.

The highest scoring candidate (read "greatest financial transparency") is Barack Obama, receiving a score of 4/7 and the distinction of being the only candidate to have revealed not only non-required public finance information but also his personal tax returns.

Tied for second place with scores of 2/7 are John McCain, Dennis Kucinich and Hillary Clinton. Third is held collectively by Duncan Hunter, Mike Huckabee and Mike Gravel with scores of 1/7.

Those candidates who have disclosed nothing beyond what is legally required of them, receiving scores of 0/7, are Rudy Giuliani, Ron Paul, Alan Keyes, Fred Thompson and — now this is interesting — John Edwards.

Sadly, not one of these candidates has divulged his or her political tax returns — not even Obama. This is exactly why people like me keep voting for Ralph Nader.

I Get an F in Being Six

Today at the gym my trainer attempting to have me work out like a ninja. As in, he actually said "just like a ninja" several times. There was one activity I actually recorded in my log as Leaping Diagonal Ninja Squats for lack of a better term. These were followed by repeatedly jumping into the air to land balanced on the edge of a box without making a single sound on landing (the successful completion of which earned me fifteen ninja points, redeemable for either one set of plastic nunchuks or a blood vendetta). Feeling relatively samurai-ish, my ego was promptly kamikazed as I was then cruelly forced to jump rope. Jump rope. And land lightly. Like a ninja.

I have vague recollections of jumping rope as a child. Unless I'm in one of those movies where aliens altered my memories (for the purpose, one assumes, of stealing my baby whose existence has been cleansed from my neuronal networks like puke from a onesie), I'm fairly certain I was somewhat adept at the skill. The operative there is apparently "was."

I mean, sure, today I could hop over the rope and whatnot. While it was lying on the floor. Okay, even a few times while it was swinging around my body like some kind of bullwhip. But when it came to hopping up and down in some funky diagonal pattern on one foot? Not so much.

Now excuse me while I go don black slipper socks and engage in mortal battle with a surprisingly spry old blind man while standing on a fence post.