Flying Pigs (in Lipstick, Even)

I never thought I'd say this, but Sarah Palin was correct. Her assertion that "dinosaurs and humans walked the Earth at the same time" is irrefutably accurate, and I stand wholly corrected. Never again will I mock her claims that she has "seen pictures of human footprints inside the tracks [of dinosaur fossils]."

I concede the point entirely, and come bearing evidence proof positive:



Now let's put that lady one melanoma-stricken heartbeat away from the big red button!

Got Legs?

Yesterday I saw a man in a wheelchair wrestling with his keyring in the building where I work. Both of his legs had been amputated at the knee. As I walked behind him I glanced at his t-shirt. Poking above the top of the chair's seat was the image of a frog. The caption above?

That's right.

"Got legs?"

I. am. not. making. this. up.

I have secretly named him Mr. Beckett because he is clearly that kind of awesome.

And in completely unrelated news, your Moment of Zen, featuring break-dancing Russians who really love Sarah Palin (like really a lot):



Aaaand here's a direct link.

Suffering Fools

Yesterday, as I was leaving the pharmacy, I walked behind an SUV that had just pulled in with a McCain-Palin sticker emblazoned on the back. As I passed behind it a woman launched herself from the passenger seat followed shortly by a man on the driver's side who tumbled from the car shouting — shouting! — "Women just shouldn't be allowed to drive!"

I was sorely tempted to stop him and inquire as to what logic led him to believe that the female human animal is incapable of operating a motor vehicle but is nonetheless fully qualified to occupy the Vice Presidency. However, he was far too busy chasing after his wife (who was unsurprisingly storming away from him with the force of a Cat-5) for me to engage in what would undoubtedly have been a most enlightening exchange.

And for the record? Women get cheaper auto insurance rates than men do because women get in fewer accidents. Not that I'd want to confuse Mr. Shirt-Tucked-Into-My-High-Waisted-Acid-Wash-Jeans with pesky facts.

Old Reliable: Matt Drudge

Yesterday afternoon the state of Alaska found that Governor Sarah "Flat-Earther" Palin abused her power in her handling of the Wooten/Monegan/Troopergate scandal. But you already knew that, I'm sure.

Unless, of course, you get your news from the Drudge Report. I'd link it, but if you have a PC as soon as you click the link your computer will have so many Trojan Horses it will be the stuff of legends. (Ba dum BA!)

Nutshell: Matt Drudge is a right-wing mouthpiece who sits in front of his computer 20 hours a day trolling the intertubes for incendiary headlines such as "Cindy McCain accuses Obama of endangering her son in Iraq" and "Did 'SOUTH PARK' go too far this time?" to link on his website. It's a good place to go looking for news stories about freaks in middle America who have some sort of "I'm Allergic to My Refrigerator" club, but a lousy place to go for unbiased news links.

Had Barack Obama been found guilty of the sort of misconduct Palin was found to have committed in the Alaskan state report, I would be willing to bet actual cash money that Drudge would have unearthed some extreme close-up of Obama looking like he was about to eat a baby and splashed it across the top of his site with the gigantic headline "GUILTY!"

Take a look at today's Drudge page. It's kind of like Where's Waldo, but without the so-last-season red striped shirt.



See up at the top where Obama would be eating the baby? Now see that little waving lady down in the corner? And the little bitty headline under it? No?

Try here.

Good old Drudge.

Whatniaks?

The only thing better than watching the vice presidential debate every four years is watching it with a group of people all equipped with food to throw at the TV when one of the candidates devolves into spouting talking points and gibberish. Four years ago it was Cheney and lunch meat. This year it was Palin and popcorn (we have a new TV).

Confessedly, one of the moments that elicited the most raised eyebrows from my highly unscientific living room poll was Joe Biden's reference to "Bozniaks" living in Bosnia and Herzegovina. I mean, it's Bosnians, right? Silly Joe.

Except for not. Apparently, Bozniaks is indeed the correct term for Muslims living in the region. And we weren't the only ones who were confused. Even Cokie Roberts chastised Biden for this perceived gaffe. Silly Cokie.

As for me, I'm just glad to be casting my vote for someone who knows more about foreign policy than I do. I mean, no offense to soccer moms, but I'd rather have the guy who knows the difference between Bosnians and Bosniaks (let alone Sunni and Shia) a heartbeat away from The Button.

Islamic Children Gassed in Dayton, Ohio

On Friday, American terrorists in Dayton, Ohio sprayed chemical weapons into the child care room of a local mosque, interrupting practitioners praying in recognition of the Islamic holy month.

A firsthand account of the attack may be found here. The woman alluded to in the link immigrated here from Syria, where she and her children had fled after leaving Iraq. They came to America full of hope for a life free from hatred and persecution. Oh, what a welcoming people we are.

Happy Ramadan.

Would You Like Defibrillation with That?

Today's Headline O' Awesome: Dog Dials 911 When Owner Has Seizure

And here I was pleased when my dog learned to run through an agility course nylon tube. For shame.

McCain Would Tax Health Care Benefits

Earlier this week, I wrote about the differences between the tax plans proposed by Obama and McCain and the comparative benefit of Obama's plan for working class and middle class people. When I wrote that, there was something I didn't know about John McCain and taxes — something that puts the two candidates in even starker contrast.

Despite having claimed publicly and repeatedly that he would not raise any taxes, McCain's tax plan would in fact do exactly that. (Some people have a word for that. It starts with an L.) If John McCain becomes president, he will tax your employer-provided health care benefits. That means if you're a teacher like me, with absolutely no change to your actual income, McCain's plan would in effect treat you as though you'd just received a huge raise of thousands of dollars.

His so-called offset for this proposal would be to provide a tax credit of $2,500 per person, or $5,000 per family. Never mind the fact that the average employer-provided health care costs employers roughly $8,000 dollars a year. McCain is more than happy to treat you as though you've just received a $3,000 raise.

Why are middle-class people and fiscal conservatives voting for this man?

Calling All Fiscal Conservatives

Today's Website O' Awesome is brought to you by Alchemy Today, a burgeoning political blog:

ObamaTaxCut.com

Using data compiled by the non-partisan Tax Policy Center and further publicized in the Washington Post, Alchemy Today has created a widget that allows you to compare the tax cuts you would receive under the tax plans proposed by Obama and McCain.

It's actually quite fascinating. Under McCain's tax proposal, my husband and I would receive a $40 tax cut. Under Obama's plan, we would receive a $971 tax cut. Our present income would have to more than triple before we'd get a better deal under McCain. Furthermore, we'd have to make more than $250,000 before Obama would increase our taxes.

The bottom line: If your combined household income is $200,000 or less, you will pay less taxes under Obama than McCain.

Plus, widgets rock.

Added note: Further research into the the Washington Post's findings indicates that you would have to make more than $600,000 a year before you'd see a tax increase under a President Obama. Huh. I guess Rush Limbaugh must have just been, you know, misinformed or something.

If Only She'd Had My Vote to Lose

The City of Wasilla, home of Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, has responded to "a flurry" of requests and begun today to release public files to the media. Anyone with access to the internet can access the documents through the City of Wasilla's website here.

One item of interest to me is the city's response to requests regarding Palin's book-banning attempts. According to The New York Times, Palin attempted to have Wasilla's librarian fired for "disloyalty" (apparently a big Palin peeve) after she resisted the then-mayor's suggestions that book-banning ought to be considered. The firing attempt was blocked by public outcry.

According to the city's records, no books were actually banned as a result. Good. Nonetheless, this raises some serious questions about Sarah Palin's commitment to democratic (small d) ideals.

For now, there's plenty to dig through. Kuddos to Wasilla for releasing these documents to the public. Assuming they weren't thoroughly scrubbed.

I Miss Veronica Mars

You know what I really hate about your garden variety high school TV show? It's not the insipid dialogue. It's not the banal yet soapy plot lines. It's not even the fact that every frame is a free ad for the Anorexia is the New Awesome Council of America.

No, what I hate about high school TV shows is the fact that every time there's an actual classroom scene, the camera opens on the teacher asking what is clearly a beginning-of-class question (such as "Who wants to tell me how a haiku was defined in last night's reading?") and ends thirty seconds later with the bell ringing. At which point the teacher inevitably waits until half of the students have poured out of class before remembering that maybe he should tell them what tonight's homework is.

Gah. No wonder voters think teachers need better accountability.

The Lovers, the Dreamers and a German in a Funny Hat

You may be under the impression that today's big headline is "Obama rocks it out at Invesco" or something to that effect. You are wrong.

Today's big headline is in fact this: "Crucified frog angers pope".

Furthermore, the frog is apparently holding a beer glass in one hand and an egg in the other. Having often found myself concurrently holding those very same objects, I think I'll have to side with the frog.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to report that during my eighth grade science class' frog dissection, my lab partner disregarded the teacher's instructions to pin the frog's legs in a spread-eagle fashion and in fact crucified our frog with T-pins. Our teacher then unwittingly held our frog up as an example of a well-pinned subject. No beer or eggs were involved.)

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Long have we Americans as a people pondered that age old question — who would win in a fight, pirates or ninjas? A longtime member of the ninja camp myself, today I bring breaking news in pirates versus ninjas front:

On Sunday, a team of ninjas was apprehended for threatening to go all vigilante on some local drug dealers. It was unclear if pirates were involved, but clearly the ninjas were firing the first salvo in a resurrection of the long-running battle with their optically challenged opponents.

The pirates wasted no time in retaliating, robbing a luxury yacht on Monday. While initial reports made no mention of ninjas, this was clearly a direct affront intended to mock and humiliate their nunchuk-wielding nemeses.

(People. This is funny because it is TRUE. Click the links!)

Road Rage

ATTN: Persons in sports cars who feel compelled to drive fewer than three feet away from my bumper on the freeway

RE: Structural innovations in transportation architecture

There are FOUR OTHER LANES on the freeway other than the one I am currently driving the speed limit it. Feel free to drive in one of them.

Cheers.

I Guess Squats Are Out

Today at the gym I saw an outfit almost identical to this (but the oh-so-tasteful thongotard was red):



As though time on the treadmill isn't unpleasant enough, I have to be subjected to this? It's not 1984. Your underpants need to be inside your clothes. Even if they are shiny and red.

Especially if they are shiny and red.

SRSLY?

Today, while sitting at a stoplight, I found myself staring at a license plate that utterly compelled me to take its picture. Behold:



Putting aside the absurdity of paying the government actual cash money in order to have "RPRAYRS" stamped on the back of one's car, I just have to ask... an Escalade? Really, you prayed for an Escalade? And you got one?

Maybe next time you could do us all a favor and ask for world peace. Or a cure for cancer. Or at least a Prius.

Don't Mess with (the Illustrious Educators of) Texas

Any plans I may have had to visit Harold, Texas (What? I'm sure they have a gigantic ball of yarn or something.) are officially canceled pursuant to their decision to allow teachers to carry concealed weapons to work.

What better combination than disgruntled youth, overworked employees, and things that kill people?

You know what would make my job as a teacher easier? Fair compensation for my socially crucial work. A supportive administration. A school district that doesn't hide behind the Governator while firing 900+ teachers.

But I guess pissing us off and then arming us works too.

Also, All Cats Will Be Required to Wear Sweaters

There have been recent rumblings about the potential reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine, legislation that would require television and radio stations broadcasting through federal airwaves to provide a balance of liberal and conservative political content. Putting aside whether or not that is a good idea (per Rasmussen, 47% of Americans think it is and 39% don't), what I find beyond hilarious is that the same policy is being evaluated for the internet.

THE INTERNET.

When Rasmussen posed the following question: "Should the government require web sites and bloggers that offer political commentary to present opposing viewpoints?" 31% of Americans responded yes.

When when when are these octogenarians going to realize that they cannot legislate internet content? I can snap my fingers and have the entire second season of Heroes on my hard drive in an hour without a single cent changing hands, but the government is somehow going to come up with a super-sekrit-hacker-proof-intarwebs-controller that is going to effectively monitor my blog content?

Right. May I interest you in a country song?

(Here's hoping no one tells Congress about Britain... I think they have the intarwebs there, too! Shhh!)

But out of respect for those of you who think that censoring internet content is not only possible but nifty, here is the opposing viewpoint.

Paris is for Fighters

To say I am not a big fan of Paris Hilton is like saying I am not a big fan of stabbing myself in the hand with a fork.

But I have to give her pretty crazy props for this:

"Loves it."

And in the event that you live under a rock, here's the McCain attack add that Paris Hilton was responding to:



The best part? Guess who wants their $4,600 McCain campaign donation back? That's right. Ma and Pa Hilton.

Quiz Blog Part Two: Petro

Yesterday I posed the query: What nation provides the largest quantity of crude oil and petroleum products to the United States?

And you are truly gold-star worthy if you guessed...

CANADA!!!

Yup. Our partially French-speaking neighbors to the north are the single most effective crack peddler supporting our, in the vernacular, "addiction to foreign oil." Here are the top five:

1. Canada (17.2%)
2. Mexico (12.4%)
3. Saudi Arabia (10.7%)
4. Venezuela (10.4%)
5. Nigeria (8.1%)

Surprised? I was. I suspect FOXNN might be, too. Or, you know, not.

This and other fascinating information about America's foreign oil dependence is available here at the Department of Energy's website. And by "fascinating information" I mean tidbits like the fact that the U.S. is currently the third largest oil producer on the planet. Want to guess where we rank in consumption?

In the meantime, however, I am pleased to announce that we can now officially blame Canada. Like so:



(Warning: Video not entirely safe for work...)