The Lovers, the Dreamers and a German in a Funny Hat

You may be under the impression that today's big headline is "Obama rocks it out at Invesco" or something to that effect. You are wrong.

Today's big headline is in fact this: "Crucified frog angers pope".

Furthermore, the frog is apparently holding a beer glass in one hand and an egg in the other. Having often found myself concurrently holding those very same objects, I think I'll have to side with the frog.

(In the interest of full disclosure, I feel compelled to report that during my eighth grade science class' frog dissection, my lab partner disregarded the teacher's instructions to pin the frog's legs in a spread-eagle fashion and in fact crucified our frog with T-pins. Our teacher then unwittingly held our frog up as an example of a well-pinned subject. No beer or eggs were involved.)

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Long have we Americans as a people pondered that age old question — who would win in a fight, pirates or ninjas? A longtime member of the ninja camp myself, today I bring breaking news in pirates versus ninjas front:

On Sunday, a team of ninjas was apprehended for threatening to go all vigilante on some local drug dealers. It was unclear if pirates were involved, but clearly the ninjas were firing the first salvo in a resurrection of the long-running battle with their optically challenged opponents.

The pirates wasted no time in retaliating, robbing a luxury yacht on Monday. While initial reports made no mention of ninjas, this was clearly a direct affront intended to mock and humiliate their nunchuk-wielding nemeses.

(People. This is funny because it is TRUE. Click the links!)

Road Rage

ATTN: Persons in sports cars who feel compelled to drive fewer than three feet away from my bumper on the freeway

RE: Structural innovations in transportation architecture

There are FOUR OTHER LANES on the freeway other than the one I am currently driving the speed limit it. Feel free to drive in one of them.

Cheers.

I Guess Squats Are Out

Today at the gym I saw an outfit almost identical to this (but the oh-so-tasteful thongotard was red):



As though time on the treadmill isn't unpleasant enough, I have to be subjected to this? It's not 1984. Your underpants need to be inside your clothes. Even if they are shiny and red.

Especially if they are shiny and red.

SRSLY?

Today, while sitting at a stoplight, I found myself staring at a license plate that utterly compelled me to take its picture. Behold:



Putting aside the absurdity of paying the government actual cash money in order to have "RPRAYRS" stamped on the back of one's car, I just have to ask... an Escalade? Really, you prayed for an Escalade? And you got one?

Maybe next time you could do us all a favor and ask for world peace. Or a cure for cancer. Or at least a Prius.

Don't Mess with (the Illustrious Educators of) Texas

Any plans I may have had to visit Harold, Texas (What? I'm sure they have a gigantic ball of yarn or something.) are officially canceled pursuant to their decision to allow teachers to carry concealed weapons to work.

What better combination than disgruntled youth, overworked employees, and things that kill people?

You know what would make my job as a teacher easier? Fair compensation for my socially crucial work. A supportive administration. A school district that doesn't hide behind the Governator while firing 900+ teachers.

But I guess pissing us off and then arming us works too.

Also, All Cats Will Be Required to Wear Sweaters

There have been recent rumblings about the potential reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine, legislation that would require television and radio stations broadcasting through federal airwaves to provide a balance of liberal and conservative political content. Putting aside whether or not that is a good idea (per Rasmussen, 47% of Americans think it is and 39% don't), what I find beyond hilarious is that the same policy is being evaluated for the internet.

THE INTERNET.

When Rasmussen posed the following question: "Should the government require web sites and bloggers that offer political commentary to present opposing viewpoints?" 31% of Americans responded yes.

When when when are these octogenarians going to realize that they cannot legislate internet content? I can snap my fingers and have the entire second season of Heroes on my hard drive in an hour without a single cent changing hands, but the government is somehow going to come up with a super-sekrit-hacker-proof-intarwebs-controller that is going to effectively monitor my blog content?

Right. May I interest you in a country song?

(Here's hoping no one tells Congress about Britain... I think they have the intarwebs there, too! Shhh!)

But out of respect for those of you who think that censoring internet content is not only possible but nifty, here is the opposing viewpoint.

Paris is for Fighters

To say I am not a big fan of Paris Hilton is like saying I am not a big fan of stabbing myself in the hand with a fork.

But I have to give her pretty crazy props for this:

"Loves it."

And in the event that you live under a rock, here's the McCain attack add that Paris Hilton was responding to:



The best part? Guess who wants their $4,600 McCain campaign donation back? That's right. Ma and Pa Hilton.

Quiz Blog Part Two: Petro

Yesterday I posed the query: What nation provides the largest quantity of crude oil and petroleum products to the United States?

And you are truly gold-star worthy if you guessed...

CANADA!!!

Yup. Our partially French-speaking neighbors to the north are the single most effective crack peddler supporting our, in the vernacular, "addiction to foreign oil." Here are the top five:

1. Canada (17.2%)
2. Mexico (12.4%)
3. Saudi Arabia (10.7%)
4. Venezuela (10.4%)
5. Nigeria (8.1%)

Surprised? I was. I suspect FOXNN might be, too. Or, you know, not.

This and other fascinating information about America's foreign oil dependence is available here at the Department of Energy's website. And by "fascinating information" I mean tidbits like the fact that the U.S. is currently the third largest oil producer on the planet. Want to guess where we rank in consumption?

In the meantime, however, I am pleased to announce that we can now officially blame Canada. Like so:



(Warning: Video not entirely safe for work...)

Quiz Blog Part One: Petro

Gold star to anyone who can answer this correctly without resorting to Google:

What nation provides the largest quantity of crude oil and petroleum products to the United States (clocking in at an impressive 17.2 percent)?

I'll post the answer tomorrow. And you only get a silver star if you Google it!

Chasing Trends

Yet again today I was confronted with the meaningless expression "40 is the new 30." I haven't even turned 30 yet and apparently it's not even cool any more.

Besides, I thought satin jumpsuits were the new 30. Or something.

Ground Control to Major Tom

I'd like to break my week-long silence to share with you the super-special knowledge that, according to a highly reputable source, non-Earth lifeforms have indeed contacted the planet Earth.

And by "highly reputable" I mean NASA astronaut Edgar Mitchell, record-holder for the longest moonwalk.

Now, granted, astronauts have a tendency to later devote themselves to careers as alcoholics and artists (and hey, same difference, right?). But still. I consider this to be totally reliable.

My mind is officially blown. For serial.

(Okay, posterity demands the following: I am fairly certain humans are not the only cognizant lifeforms in the universe. However, I am equally certain that given known technological mechanisms — or even edgily and fantastically theorized technological mechansims — it's probably just us. Suck, I know. Captain Picard for President, etc. etc.)