Gone Fishing

Laughter Shrapnel is on vacation through June 11 while I'm out of town grading scads of A.P. World History essays.

Cheers!

Replicants

In what can only be lauded as truly flexible government, China has responded to the death of 65,000 of its citizens in an earthquake by relaxing restrictions on the one-child rule.

Yes, that's right, if you're a Chinese citizen and your child has just been crushed beneath rubble, you'll be pleased to know that you are free to manufacture a replacement without having to pay the usual fines. This is the kind of gift the Chinese government generally reserves for more severe tragedies, such as one's first-born child being female.

I Heart Expensive Sandwiches (#63)

Today I accidentally discovered what is officially the best blog ever: Stuff White People Like.

My favorite excerpt is from the Prius entry (which clocked in at #60 on the top 100). "The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever," writes our faithful satirist. "It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money."

On the nose indeed; my nose, and possibly yours. I confess, I am also fond of scarves (#97), yoga (#15) and coffee (#1, of course).

As white culture (or, acknowledging that no such thing exists, more appropriately white yuppie culture) moves from "the culture" to "one of many ethnic subcultures" I think such satirizing can only benefit matters. But then, white people do love irony (#50).

I'd Like the Conch Now, Please

The thing about malpractice in my profession, it's not like we can accidentally forget to remove a surgical instrument from your abdominal cavity and sew you back up and send you out into the world full of festering metal.

But there are other things we can do:

Teacher Has Students Vote on Whether 5-Year-Old Can Stay in Class

Humanity I Love You

A group of "electro-sensitive" people are taking action against Santa Fe to have WiFi banned in public buildings on the grounds that they are "allergic" to wireless signals. Their argument is that the WiFi banning should be included under Americans with Disabilities Act regulations. One of the plaintiffs asserts that cell and WiFi signals give him chest pains. (I'd see a doctor about that, but I guess the City Attorney works too.)

I'm actually very excited about this bold new legal initiative; I believe this lawsuit will pave the way for the action I plan to bring against the City of San Diego arguing that stupid people should be banned from public buildings on that grounds that I am allergic to them.

Q&A with LOL Cats

Q: What, pray tell, is a LOL cat?

A:


Q: Who, pray tell, have the LOL cats endorsed?

A:


Lo and verily, it is true. They even have an Obama campaign website, the aptly titled Yes We Can Has.

But perhaps the real question is this:

Q: Why, pray tell, is a LOL cat?

A:

Lieberman Meets the Intertubes

The inevitable day has finally come — someone told Joe Lieberman (world-renowned DINO) about the Internet, and more specifically, YouTube. Lieberman, apparently, skipped right past the porn and pandas and moved directly into searching for some combination of "people" and "who" and "hate" and "Jews." But I mean, who hasn't done that search, right?**

Lieberman sent a letter to YouTube demanding the removal of a plethora of content he deemed offensive (clearly a better use of my tax dollars than, say, figuring out a way to get out of Iraq). YouTube's response , excerpted below, is pretty awesome:

Senator Lieberman's staff identified numerous videos that they believed violated YouTube's Community Guidelines. In response to his concerns, we examined and ended up removing a number of videos from the site, primarily because they depicted gratuitous violence, advocated violence, or used hate speech. Most of the videos, which did not contain violent or hate speech content, were not removed because they do not violate our Community Guidelines.

Senator Lieberman stated his belief, in a letter sent today, that all videos mentioning or featuring these groups should be removed from YouTube -- even legal nonviolent or non-hate speech videos. While we respect and understand his views, YouTube encourages free speech and defends everyone's right to express unpopular points of view. We believe that YouTube is a richer and more relevant platform for users precisely because it hosts a diverse range of views, and rather than stifle debate we allow our users to view all acceptable content and make up their own minds. Of course, users are always free to express their disagreement with a particular video on the site, by leaving comments or their own response video. That debate is healthy.

Intertubes 1, Lieberman -8 bajillion. (In all fairness, the guy was already in a pretty deep hole.)

**Disclaimer: I haven't.

Two Percent of Oregon

According to the United States Census Bureau, Oregon has 3,700,758 residents. According to the Portland Fire and Rescue Department, 75,000 people turned out today to see Barack Obama speak — by far the largest crowd Obama (let alone any other politician) has drawn this election cycle.

To put that in perspective, that is one out of every 50 people in the state of Oregon.

Here's what that looks like:





Of course, not everyone is excited. Here's what username Sarah Alton had to say in response to an article about the rally on the Wall Street Journal website:

"Obama - the Candidate as Anti-Christ.
Consider his rockstar status among young voters, his ability to continuously lie without impunity, his connections to mob members and terrorist both real and wannabes. His strong and unscrupulous desire for raw power, at any cost, regardless what it does to others, (he became senator simply by disqualifying his opponents). His empty words and changing promises, his desire to be friends with those who wish to destroy us. His wife Michele has expressed her hatred for this country and has publicly announced her husband as the messiah.
Perhaps you will need to explain to God why you voted for an antichrist, but I am not going to be on that dark list on judgment day."

For the record, a big old [SIC] to all that. Sadly for Sarah Alton, I don't think the Ku Klux Krazypants rallies are drawing 70K crowds these days.

What Else Does Tom Do?

Somewhat to my shock, I am now in possession of two tenth-row tickets to the Tom Waits concert in Phoenix — the only even semi-West Coast location on his 11-stop tour (his first since 2006, and as is always speculated vis a vis Waits, possibly his last). The show sold out online in a matter of minutes; my husband and I logged on at the same time at noon on the dot, and while I got through, he got a "tickets no longer available" message.

Why, you may wonder, is this guy worth so much arterial palpitation?

Behold:



And here, have a direct link.

Who Needs Profs When We've Got Podcasts

Today John McCain gave a speech in which he described what the world will look like in 2013, at the end of his first term. While you'll be pleased to know that we won't have been attacked by terrorists (but only if we vote for him and not that Hammas-loving Nazi appeaser), I'd like to focus on McCain's comments on education. Remember, he's speaking in the present-tense about things that haven't happened yet:

"Public education in the United States is much improved thanks to the competition provided by charter and private schools; the increase of quality teachers through incentives like merit pay and terrific programs that attract to the classroom enthusiastic and innovative teachers from many disciplines, like Teach for America and Troops to Teachers. Educational software and online teaching programs endorsed by qualified non profits are much more widely in use, bringing to the smallest classrooms in America some of the greatest math, English, and science teachers in the country. This revolution in teaching methods has especially benefited rural America. Test scores and graduation rates are rising everywhere in the country."

Allow me to repeat for emphasis:

"Public education in the United States is much improved thanks to the competition provided by charter and private schools."

You'll notice there is no mention whatsoever about increasing funding for education, nor is there any mention of eliminating underfunded federal mandates (*cough*No Child Left Behind*cough*). Just a promise that good old Adam Smith capitalism will solve all of our problems, because clearly the only reason that our schools are so rotten (which, point of order, they are not) is because we're just not scared enough about the competition. We're being lazy, see, because we're the only gig in town, so you can take your crappy teachers and you can like it or lump it!

Problem: As federal mandates increase and state economies tank, education nationwide is becoming increasingly underfunded. In California this is presently resulting in a tens of thousands of teachers being laid off; predictably, as teacher layoffs become the norm, enrollment in teacher credentialing programs is declining. Just last week one of my students who has wanted to be a teacher for the three years I've known her told me she's going to be majoring in business in the fall because she figures if she becomes a teacher she'll just get fired. Now, I don't know if John McCain knows this or not, but private school teachers? Charter school teachers? They get recruited from those same teaching programs where enrollment is rapidly dropping off.

No, Senator Nostradamus McCain, the problem with education isn't that we need to be kept even further on our toes — we're already damn ballerinas — the problem is that we need stable, adequate funding and a confident, well-qualified recruitment pool.

Private or not, administrators are going to be facing increasing difficulty in staffing schools with qualified teachers. And I'm sorry, but using "online teaching programs endorsed by qualified non profits" to beam in "some of the greatest math, English, and science teachers in the country" is simply not going to serve as an adequate replacement for an actual human being in the classroom. Anyone with a teaching credential (read: not McCain) knows that no eight-year-old is going to learn math from watching some guy lecture about it. The notion would be laughable, except McCain's not kidding.

I suspect even Adam Smith would be put off. In his seminal The Wealth of Nations he wrote, "The education of common people requires, in a civilized and commercial society, the attention of the state."

Fighting Fire with Fustian

Today I spent four hours in a sauna-like auditorium shoved into a tiny wooden chair that literally left bruises on the backs of my legs, all for the privilege of unloading on the school board that sent me a layoff notice two months ago. I'm not entirely sure what I said (there may have been some podium-fist-pounding and a poker metaphor), but people clapped when I was done and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Weirdly, I'm actually not sure if I'm fired or not. There were amendments to amendments of recisions of incisions, and in the end it was all very Byzantine.** I'll find out Thursday.

In the meantime, I'm pretty sure there are now five people on the planet who would turn tail and run if they saw me in a grocery store. As well they should — I throw a mean cabbage.

** And now your Moment of Zen: According to my union president's address to the board, the last time my district laid of teachers was in 1918 in response to those teachers' refusal to take loyalty oaths.

Racists: Obsolete

In an interesting political discussion with my family last night, my parents hypothesized that should Barack Obama become the Democratic nominee he would lose to John McCain because a large swath of Americans are still unwilling to vote for a black man as president. They may be right, but the thing is, a large swath of Americans don't have to.

There's an excellent analysis of why that is here (and it really is worth the read), but if you're in a hurry, what it boils down to is this: more people in more states have voted for Obama than any other candidate running and more than all of the Republican candidates combined. Furthermore Democratic turnout has trounced Republican turnout in every single contest so far, and based on mathematical regression models (same link — go read it!), this trend seems likely to repeat itself in the general election. Worthy of note is the fact that Democratic turnout was universally larger even when the Republican contest was more contentious than the Democratic contest (oh, the halcyon days of January). So sure, Kentucky won't elect Obama... but Colorado very likely will, and that's a state that John Kerry lost.

In short, Obama's November success isn't predicated on a moratorium on racism; it's predicated on attaining 270 electoral votes. Even conservative pollster Rasmussen has spent the last several months quietly reflecting the steep uphill electoral battle that McCain will face once the Democrats stop chewing on each other and start chewing on him.

And on a side note, I'd like to take a moment to personally thank George Stephanopolous for the fact that this scintillatingly newsworthy headline came across my Google feed reader this morning: Obama Wears Flag Pin to West Virginia Rally.

When the Ambulance Crashes

Here's the lead: "A Red Cross boat carrying rice and drinking water for [Myanmar] cyclone victims sank Sunday, while the death toll jumped to more than 28,000 and aid groups warned of a humanitarian catastrophe."

Here's the UNICEF link. Hopefully they have sturdier boats.

What, Me Worry?

A new study in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science reveals that conservatives are happier than liberals. I've read research to this effect before and it's never surprised me. I figure what puts the "conserve" in "conservative" is a desire to maintain the status quo. People who hold positions that are protective of the way are things tend to, well, like the way things are, and are hence happier living in that "way things are" world.

But this study contains an additional finding regarding why this happy-disparity may exist: "Conservatives also scored highest on measures of rationalization, which gauge a person's tendency to justify, or explain away, inequalities." This was measured by the extent to which respondents agreed with statements such as, "It is not really that big a problem if some people have more of a chance in life than others," and "This country would be better off if we worried less about how equal people are." From these responses the researchers extrapolate, "Our research suggests that inequality takes a greater psychological toll on liberals than on conservatives, apparently because liberals lack ideological rationalizations that would help them frame inequality in a positive (or at least neutral) light."

So there you have it. Proof conclusive that liberals are the cardigan-wearing emo kids of the ideological spectrum, and Bill O'Reilly actually does have an internal mechanism that allows him to shrug his shoulders at the fact that homelessness among veterans is surging... because at least they're not getting shot at?

Oh, and yes, Bill Clinton really does feel your pain.

Sturm und Drang Makes Me Hungry

Having spent the evening watching primary coverage, I find myself with absolutely no desire to talk about politics and an overwhelming desire to talk about palatics. Here is a list of the top five things I wish I'd been consuming instead of MSBNC election coverage (no offense to Keith "Absurdly Fabulous" Olbermann):

1. Fake Meat Burritos — The more guac the better, and surprisingly good with black olives.

2. Tofu/Asparagus/Mushroom Stir Fry — There's something very satisfying about making a stir fry chock full of the stuff you find yourself picking through the bok choy to get to in restaurants.

3. Three Cheese Lasagna — Doesn't really matter to me what the three cheeses are... ricotta, parmesan, mozzarella, even cottage; toss in a few cloves of garlic for good measure and you have a little bit of Buddha in your mouth, seriously.

4. Goat Cheese and Strawberry Salad — Best with balsamic, and really, the greens are kind of optional.

5. Broccoli Wokly and Cheddar — Because sometimes I feel like being five, and that's okay.

The Wrenching of Guts

Today I have consumed one cup of coffee, one cup of yogurt, one Kashi bar, one fake-meat sandwich (cut diagonally, of course), 72 ounces of water, one single-serving mac and cheese, and six pieces of steamed asparagus. No, I'm not starting a food diary. I'm just contextualizing myself.

This weekend my friend Lauren altered me to a series of images published in Peter Menzel's Hungry Planet: What the World Eats. Menzel's project involved interviewing families regarding their eating habits and then photographing them with all of the products they consume in an average week. For example, America:



Meet the Revis, a family of four from North Carolina that spends an average of $341.98 on food per week. (Full disclosure: I totally use that coffee creamer.)

Now let's meet the Manzos, a Sicilian family of four (point three). For an affordable $260.10 a week, this is what they consume:



So much less plastic! (Or, reconfigured in Americanese, so many more carbs!)

The juxtaposition is revealing on many counts, but in the end, the First World is the First World is the First World. Even the esteemed Dr. Atkins could, I suspect, muddle through for a fortnight.

But there are other worlds. Worlds inhabited by families like the Aboubakars. Here's what they eat for $1.23 a week (a week)... and don't forget to divide by six:



Of course those photos were taken several years ago. I suspect the Aboubakars may now have even less to eat. Today five people were killed in food riots in Somalia. I guess $1.23 doesn't go as far as it used to.

For more images from Hungry Planet, visit TIME's photo series here and here.

It's Funny How the Truth Sounds Like Poetry

Picked up a copy of Greg Palast's Armed Madhouse today in the Barnes and Noble discount section. It was marked down from $26 to $4. Meanwhile, reality show DVD's were selling like full-priced hot cakes.

Neither here nor there.

I'm 12 pages in and already the prose pounds like a machine gun playing Bach's own harpsichord. Here, look:

"The day before I wrote this, Carlos Arredondo, 44, of Miama, Florida, jumped into a military van, dumped out a five-gallon canister of gasoline over himself and lit it, burning up half his body. Minutes before, the MPs who stopped the van at his house told him his only son was shot dead in Iraq. Neighbors said Arredondo went crazy. I don't think so. I think he went sane."

Five Years Ago Today

4,000 American lives later, Mr. President, I respectfully disagree.